I'd like to thank the Academy................

So Forbes has decided to have a little fun at my expense.

While "WWE Smackdown!" has never been an Emmy contender, my special Smackdown Emmy has been earned by NBC News and its fractious former co-anchors for MSNBC's convention coverage. Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews played host to partisan dust-ups, back-and-forth bickering, and outstanding achievement in embarrassing the news division before they were abruptly reassigned as commentators for the rest of the campaign. And all without benefit of steroids or spandex!

But you know what? I'm having more fun because I get to deliver an Emmy Speech. It goes something like this "I'd like to thank the Academy for recognizing my brilliance. I'd thank my agent but honestly I do all the heavy lifting myself. I'd thank my staff and crew but let's get serious here. It's an honor for them to work with me. I'd thank Phil Griffin but everyone knows he's my butt boy already and I walk all over him on a daily basis. And the suits at NBC-Uni? Don't even get me started. Where was I? Oh yeah, thank yous. Yeah, let me thank what's her name--seriously....what's her name again? Oh yeah, Katy. But it's not like she had anything to do with this award. So who does that leave? Yep. Me. It's always, always, always all about me. As it should be. So thanks Academy. I can't say I didn't earn this because I totally did. I just want to know why it took you so long to note my brilliance to begin with.

Reasons why Dan Patrick and Deadspin suck

So Dan made his debut on the NBC Networks last night in his new role as a co-host with me on Football Night in America. Yeah America, that's right, we're going to be kicking it old school style just like we did back in the day at ESPN where we created Sports TV Anchoring as you know it. You know those wise-ass guys who think they're funny on local TV? You can thank me and Dan for inspiring them. Even though they are all just sad, pale imitators of the genuine article. Anyway so Dan was on with me last night on Countdown. And what did the SOB do? Posed himself so his Emmy Award was visible behind him throughout the whole damn interview. So what if he won an Emmy for Sports Hosting. Big f'ing deal. I have an ACE award for doing the same thing. He can take that Emmy and put it up......well, you get the picture.

P.S.: Whatever idiot on my staff who set up that live-shot? You're so fired.

Oh and Deadspin? You're on my list now too. What do you mean we failed to recapture the magic? It was a 3-minute freaking interview! Watch us this fall and weep as we recreate history, make magic, kick ass and take names. You ask why we're still relevant? Because I'm Keith Olbermann and that's all you need to know. Worship me. Please worship me. I need love. Lots of love. And fawning. Lots and lots of fawning. And nothing less is acceptable to me. And Patrick? Same goes for you. Kiss my fat ass because you and I both know you'd never have gotten the NFL gig without me, Keith Olbermann. Just call me "Sir" and we'll get along just fine, got it?