You know what makes the Super Bowl so great? Yeah baby, you got it. Keith Olbermann's big fat ego. And the other guy? He's what you call a "supporting cast member". Sunday, NBC, all-f'ing day: be there to witness the Ego's greatness. And oh yeah, there's some kind of sporting event being held that day too.
"He could have become the sage voice at ESPN by now, a voice of maturity, credibility and wisdom," New York Post columnist Phil Mushnick said. "Instead, he's the voice that does the imitation of Chris Berman. He's the head clown in the circus over there."Love it. Although I think it's safer to say that Berman is the circus and ESPN are the clowns. Those guys never got the greatness that is The Ego either.
Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick. The Tommy Lee and Pamala Anderson of bromances, their brotherhood blossomed on the set of SportsCenter in the mid-90s. The two even co-authored a book called “The Big Show,” the catch-phrase they shared on screen to describe ESPN’s hallmark program. But it didn’t last. The bromance fizzled when Keith left in ’97. Later, Dan would move on to SI. But now the two have been reunited once more to rekindle the bromance on NBC’s “Football Night in America.” Like Pam and Tommy, this second go around likely won’t last either. At least they’ll always have “en fuego.”Well if they say so. But Keith Olbermann's Ego totally gets to be Tommy Lee if you know what the Ego is trying to say.
Hiring Patrick to reunite with Olbermann, his former “SportsCenter” anchormate, sounded like a perfect idea. Olbermann gave the program a needed bolt of energy last year, with his talent for highlight narration and bristling, funny commentary.He likes me. He really, really likes me. And you know what? Keith Olbermann's Ego likes him for loving me.
Bringing Patrick and Olbermann together presents a bit of an issue because Olbermann has redefined himself as a solo political broadcaster on MSNBC. Whatever you think of his clear leanings in the presidential race, he is a fascinating, dangerous showman whose expressive face needs to be seen more often than highlight narration allows.Take note Dick Ebersol. The NYT wants to see more of me, me, me, me and less of everyone else. Did I mention how much I really, really, really like this guy from the NYT?
Olbermann is either hated (that may not be a strong enough word) or loved. There is no middle ground. People who enjoy having something to complain about watch. So do sycophants who would not pass up the chance to kiss Olbermann's fanny.He says sycophants like it's a bad thing. And we all know how much I enjoy having my ass kissed, so at least he's right on that score.
The haters who watch “Football Night In America” won't relate to Olbermann as just another schlub voicing over highlights. They may even tune out in disgust. Guess NBC Sports boss Dick Ebersol does not care about losing viewers on an hour-long program that ain't exactly a ratings juggernaut.Football always trumps politics. Maybe someone will turn down the sound, they might switch the channel, but they'll always come back. And why? Because they love me. And football. Mostly football but still. I am loved. And hated. And even the haters will tune in. Why? Because they love to hate. See, it's all about the love.
Even if you subscribe to Olbermann's political agenda, the following thought might still occur: Doesn't he have something more important to do? Shouldn't Olbermann be preparing for his interview tomorrow night with Barack Obama rather than providing comprehensive analysis on Chad Johnnson changing his name to Chad Ocho Cinco?He got that part right. Jesus if I had a dime for every time the Kos Crowd wanted me to talk about their little pet issues. And don't even get me started on the 9/11 Truth Conspiracy Whackjobs. I just wish they'd all cut me a break so I could concentrate on what's really important to me: me and what I want to talk about. Or not talk about. Is that really too much to ask?
Since Olbermann's focus is politricks, there is a perception that he couldn't care less, that these Sunday night trips to NBC's football studio amount to Olbermann's version of slumming, that he also digs descending from the mountain top to hang in the playpen with Patrick, Rapping Roberto, Collinsworth, The Bus and Tiki. Football fans see through this stuff. They know when someone cares more about the Electoral College than what college Keyunta Dawson attended.Politricks. Very funny. Leave the wordsmithing to me, okay pal? And by pal I mean "my new and latest addition to my enemy list". I care about the Electoral College and Football. Not as much as I care about me or baseball, but it's right up there.Really.
The business end of this makes no sense either. Olbermann's “Countdown” show has gotten major buzz for buzz-challenged MSNBC. Olbermann is a brand. Why inject confusion into the mix by putting him on a football show? Unless, of course, Olbermann is calling the shot here.Shows you how much this asshat knows. That's why he's a newspaper flack and as we all know, newspapers are a losing business these days. Where was I? Oh yeah, this idiot has no business sense when it comes to television. It's about E-X-P-O-S-U-R-E pal. My ratings went up after last season's FNIA gigs and it'll go up more this year. The more people see me the more they want of me, Keith Olbermann's Massive Ego. Duh.
He has taken on an Anchor Monster persona. If he chooses to, Olbermann probably could get away with putting a verbal hit on McCain in between replays of quarterback sacks. Hey, the jive-time spin NBC and MSNBC suits put out when Olbermann remained in New York, rather than anchoring from the Republican Convention in Minny, provided ample evidence of just how long a leash this cat is on. It would not have been surprising if the suits said Olbermann stayed home because he was busy rehearsing for “Football Night In America.” A show that certainly could — and should — live without him.Hee hee. Anchor Monster. I kinda like the sound of that. I am the anchor of all anchors after all. Note to self: Steal that line and use it again. Repeatedly. Do not give credit for it to this idiot-jerk however. Again-where was I? Oh yeah. Of course I have a long leash. I own MSNBC baby. And now I'm staking my claim on NBC Sports. It's only a matter of time before my master plan is in play and I own the entire damn network. Got a problem with that NY Daily News idiot? You should because once I'm king of NBC you won't even be allowed to watch the greatness that is me, Keith Olbermann's Ego. And he won't admit it but guess what? He'll be watching right along with the rest of you tonight. And that's how I get the last word and the last laugh on my critics (who are all secretly and not-so-secretly envious of me.) As it should be.
With Election Day two months away, Olbermann said he was not worried about Obama and John McCain taking control of his heart and mind. He said: “The key thing is that half the season, plus the playoffs, is after the election. So it’ll get a little busy until the games, of, what Nov. 9? After that I start taking a lot of Fridays off. He added, “Plus, they got me this assistant guy, Dan What’s-His-Name.”Dan thinks I was kidding with that quote. I wasn't. Seriously I wasn't. Dan free up some time around December okay? I've got some Christmas Shopping I need you to do.
Olbermann said, “On the radio show, I literally could walk in at 2 p.m., talk to him for 30 seconds about where he wanted to go in terms of topics, and we’d do our best work.” He added, “The only true effort is opening our mouths.”Really I never prepare. I'm busy on Ebay dammit. Do you think I've got time to prepare for a stupid one-hour radio show? I was literally phoning it in. I'm not working any extra time that I don't have to.
“All I told Dick,” Patrick said, referring to Dick Ebersol, the chairman of NBC Sports, “is just leave our mics open. Leave everybody’s mics open, and if something strikes Tiki or Bob or Cris or Jerome; if you see something, say something.”Yeah Dan. About that. I'm making an executive ruling here (and I do indeed rule. Don't forget it.) that there will be no open mikes at FNIA. That didn't work out so great for me or MSNBC at the DNC.
