I thought the NY Times loved me. Where's the love? Did they have to put this on the front page where everyone could see it? After months of accusations of political bias and simmering animosity between MSNBC and its parent network NBC, the channel decided over the weekend that the NBC News correspondent and MSNBC host David Gregory would anchor news coverage of the coming debates and election night. Mr. Olbermann and Mr. Matthews will remain as analysts during the coverage.
Oh I'll analyze alright. I'll analyze like no one has ever analyzed before in the history of the medium. Executives at the channel’s parent company, NBC Universal, had high hopes for MSNBC’s coverage of the political conventions. Instead, the coverage frequently descended into on-air squabbles between the anchors, embarrassing some workers at NBC’s news division, and quite possibly alienating viewers. Although MSNBC nearly doubled its total audience compared with the 2004 conventions, its competitive position did not improve, as it remained in last place among the broadcast and cable news networks.
Look, we kicked ass in the ratings as compared to 2004. What more do these idiots want? And fights? Yeah, sure we fought. But people wanted to see the fights. It was part of the entertainment. Why couldn't people just get that? And those whiny ass NBC folks? They can kiss my ass. Really. I want them to kiss my ass. Repeatedly. Okay, sure that may have been part of the problem. But who's more important? Them or me? That's right. ME. Except maybe not so much at least until November. Then I'll be back off-leash and ready to rumble. And who will I come looking for first? Those whiny-ass NBCers. That's right Brokaw. You're on the list. So is Williams. And Gregory? Don't make me laugh. Looks like Howdy Dowdy's love child with Anderson Cooper.I have to say though I did get a laugh off of one thing in this so-called news article. A perfect example of what happens when the Mouth gives unauthorized quotes and doesn't let the EGO speak, nonsense like this: “I found it ironic and instructive that I could have easily said exactly what I did say, exactly when I did say it, if I had been wearing a different hat, and nobody would have taken any issue,” he said.
Can I get a translator or three in here, stat? Hell, even I can't translate that one. Update: The Mouth tells me it didn't give this quote. The Ass was in charge of spitting out that quote. That certainly helps explain it but I still can't translate it. Some staff members said the tension led to the network’s decision to keep Mr. Olbermann in New York for the Republican convention, after he ran the desk in Denver during the Democratic convention. MSNBC said that he stayed in New York to anchor coverage of Hurricane Gustav. But some workers say there were other reasons — namely, that Mr. Olbermann was concerned about his safety in St. Paul, given the loud crowds at MSNBC’s set in Denver.
Look, I don't even like crowds when they're friendly. The EGO does not mingle with the common folk. Did they really think I was going to endanger life and limb by diving into a GOP-centric audience? Why would they want to damage their STAR Anchor? Okay sure some wanted to see me torn limb from limb but that was just Scarborough and Abrams. Losers. Oh and one more thing? For all you haters who think that NBC doesn't love me anymore? Check it out babies: Just last year, Mr. Olbermann signed a four-year, $4-million-a-year contract with MSNBC. NBC is close to supplementing that contract with Mr. Olbermann, extending his deal through 2013 — and ensuring that he will be on MSNBC through the next election.
That's right. The EGO roars again. Just had to let everyone know that I'll be live and large on your tv screen straight through to 2013. Sure NBC doesn't like it. Hell, most of MSNBC doesn't like it. But you know what? I make so damn much money I can buy and sell them all. So life is still good for me. And that's really all that matters, right?
So this wise-ass punk from the NY Daily News has decided that I'm too partisan to cover football highlights. It's football people? How can I talk about politics in the middle of a football game? That's my story and I'm sticking to it no matter how much the haters hate on me. I can multitask and they're just envious because they can't. Olbermann is either hated (that may not be a strong enough word) or loved. There is no middle ground. People who enjoy having something to complain about watch. So do sycophants who would not pass up the chance to kiss Olbermann's fanny.
He says sycophants like it's a bad thing. And we all know how much I enjoy having my ass kissed, so at least he's right on that score. The haters who watch “Football Night In America” won't relate to Olbermann as just another schlub voicing over highlights. They may even tune out in disgust. Guess NBC Sports boss Dick Ebersol does not care about losing viewers on an hour-long program that ain't exactly a ratings juggernaut.
Football always trumps politics. Maybe someone will turn down the sound, they might switch the channel, but they'll always come back. And why? Because they love me. And football. Mostly football but still. I am loved. And hated. And even the haters will tune in. Why? Because they love to hate. See, it's all about the love. Even if you subscribe to Olbermann's political agenda, the following thought might still occur: Doesn't he have something more important to do? Shouldn't Olbermann be preparing for his interview tomorrow night with Barack Obama rather than providing comprehensive analysis on Chad Johnnson changing his name to Chad Ocho Cinco?
He got that part right. Jesus if I had a dime for every time the Kos Crowd wanted me to talk about their little pet issues. And don't even get me started on the 9/11 Truth Conspiracy Whackjobs. I just wish they'd all cut me a break so I could concentrate on what's really important to me: me and what I want to talk about. Or not talk about. Is that really too much to ask? Since Olbermann's focus is politricks, there is a perception that he couldn't care less, that these Sunday night trips to NBC's football studio amount to Olbermann's version of slumming, that he also digs descending from the mountain top to hang in the playpen with Patrick, Rapping Roberto, Collinsworth, The Bus and Tiki. Football fans see through this stuff. They know when someone cares more about the Electoral College than what college Keyunta Dawson attended.
Politricks. Very funny. Leave the wordsmithing to me, okay pal? And by pal I mean "my new and latest addition to my enemy list". I care about the Electoral College and Football. Not as much as I care about me or baseball, but it's right up there.Really.The business end of this makes no sense either. Olbermann's “Countdown” show has gotten major buzz for buzz-challenged MSNBC. Olbermann is a brand. Why inject confusion into the mix by putting him on a football show? Unless, of course, Olbermann is calling the shot here.
Shows you how much this asshat knows. That's why he's a newspaper flack and as we all know, newspapers are a losing business these days. Where was I? Oh yeah, this idiot has no business sense when it comes to television. It's about E-X-P-O-S-U-R-E pal. My ratings went up after last season's FNIA gigs and it'll go up more this year. The more people see me the more they want of me, Keith Olbermann's Massive Ego. Duh.He has taken on an Anchor Monster persona. If he chooses to, Olbermann probably could get away with putting a verbal hit on McCain in between replays of quarterback sacks. Hey, the jive-time spin NBC and MSNBC suits put out when Olbermann remained in New York, rather than anchoring from the Republican Convention in Minny, provided ample evidence of just how long a leash this cat is on. It would not have been surprising if the suits said Olbermann stayed home because he was busy rehearsing for “Football Night In America.” A show that certainly could — and should — live without him.
Hee hee. Anchor Monster. I kinda like the sound of that. I am the anchor of all anchors after all. Note to self: Steal that line and use it again. Repeatedly. Do not give credit for it to this idiot-jerk however. Again-where was I? Oh yeah. Of course I have a long leash. I own MSNBC baby. And now I'm staking my claim on NBC Sports. It's only a matter of time before my master plan is in play and I own the entire damn network. Got a problem with that NY Daily News idiot? You should because once I'm king of NBC you won't even be allowed to watch the greatness that is me, Keith Olbermann's Ego. And he won't admit it but guess what? He'll be watching right along with the rest of you tonight. And that's how I get the last word and the last laugh on my critics (who are all secretly and not-so-secretly envious of me.) As it should be.
