Keith Olbermann's Ego Runs MSNBC

Keith Olbermann's Ego runs owns MSNBC. Sure the Ego isn't listed as President of MSNBC. Officially, Phil Griffin holds that title. But longtime fans of The Ego know that Phil and The Ego go way, way, way back. The Ego has always been that little SOB's boss and for the record, still is.

But earlier this week it seems that Joe "How about that dead intern in my office" Scarborough decided to tweet about The Ego attacking nude-centerfold model turned GOP politican Brown soemthing or other (don't expect the Ego to remember specifics like full names of these neocons. Seen one, you've seen 'em all). Anyway where was I? Oh right. The Ego called Brown out for what he is: a sexist, racist, homophobic, porno-loving GOPer. Scarborough, in his official role as GOP apologist, decided to name-call The Ego in return. Naturally The Ego was not amused. So Phil "Butt Boy" Griffin had to issue this statement to all employees of MSNBC (except you know, to the Ego because the Ego of course really runs owns MSNBC.

We have many strong personalities with differing, passionate opinions, but it is important to remember that we are all on the same team. I want to reiterate my long-standing policy: We do not publicly criticize our colleagues. This kind of behavior is unprofessional and will not be tolerated. Let me be clear: I encourage you to keep doing what you do best. Give the viewers your perspective and a vigorous debate on the issues they care about. But do not turn substantive differences into personal ones.

Well said Phil. I couldn't have said it better had I written it myself (and The Ego doesn't like to brag but, well, The Ego may have written this statement. Just saying). Phil also further clarified The Ego's standing as owner of MSNBC when he told TV Newser:

"An important rule was broken. I spoke to Keith and he said in the spirit of teamwork and the free flow of ideas, he didn't think it warranted punishment or suspension. I also talked to Joe and he apologized to me," said the MSNBC president, adding, "That's why I made the decision that this didn't rise to the level of punishment, but I felt it was necessary to reiterate my long-standing policy."

See who thought that Scarborough's insult to The Ego didn't warrant punishment? The Ego. I so rule.

Congratulations to Joe Scarborough!

In a rare moment of honesty this morning, Joe Scarborough revealed that he is a hypocrite. I mean who else could he have possibly been talking about when he uttered this on "Morning Joe" (brought to you by Starbucks Coffee)?

JOE SCARBOROUGH: Obviously [Sanford] needs to be judged in the toughest sense politically, but personally, I'll just be blunt, I was embarrassed by certain cable news hosts last night, some on this network, that took, and the only expression you can really use is "unbridled glee" in this man's problem and the pain of his wife, the pain of his children. During the John Edwards situation and others, I never really understood the kind of glee that people took last night. It happens on the left, it happens on the right. And some of these people judging last night, you know, you could call them the Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker of cable news. I would not be making judgments were I these people.

The Power of Change......but not for me

So the NY Times has picked up on the new (temporary MSNBC slogan): The Power of Change.

“Presidents have the power to change lives, to change course, to change America,” the ad’s narrator says. Before the election, the ad quoted John F. Kennedy’s famous “ask not” address. By Wednesday, it had been updated with a line from Mr. Obama’s election-night speech: “At this defining moment, change has come to America.”

Now there are lots of things I'd like to change about MSNBC. Let's start with the name for: we all know it really should be MSKONBC. Secondly? Joey Scar and his girlfriend Mika could hit the road. Today. And take that annoying little creep Willie Geist with them. Thirdly? Say goodbye Chrissie. But you know who I hope stays the same? Fox News.

On election night, Fox attracted many more viewers than MSNBC — until Mr. Obama was pronounced the victor. During the midnight hour, when Mr. Obama spoke in Chicago, MSNBC averaged 5.6 million viewers, compared with Fox’s 3.9 million.

Damn right we're your offical Obama network so there's no need for me to change one iota: I'm perfect just like I am. And why? Because I'm Keith Olbermann's Ego and I said so, that's why.

Time to Banish Morning Joe

WTF? "Good things happen to GOOD people?" What the hell does that slimeball Scarborough mean by that little cutting comment? I'm not only good, I'm great. I'm the greatest anchorman in the history of MSNBC the world. Oh. They weren't talking about that kind of great. They were literally talking about being a good person. Who the hell cares about that kind of crap? What matters is greatness, not goodness and I am greatness personified. And so what if the little morning Joe folks just think Rachel is adorable. Now you know why I called Scarborough on his shoveling for McLame because he's totally full of it. How does that make me a bad person for pointing out that he's a bullshit artist? Dont these idiots understand I run own KONBC? Decisions. Decisions. Where can I banish these no-talent idiots to? You'd think morning on MSNBC would be banishment enough for them. Losers.

Et Tu New York Times?

I thought the NY Times loved me. Where's the love? Did they have to put this on the front page where everyone could see it?

After months of accusations of political bias and simmering animosity between MSNBC and its parent network NBC, the channel decided over the weekend that the NBC News correspondent and MSNBC host David Gregory would anchor news coverage of the coming debates and election night. Mr. Olbermann and Mr. Matthews will remain as analysts during the coverage.

Oh I'll analyze alright. I'll analyze like no one has ever analyzed before in the history of the medium.

Executives at the channel’s parent company, NBC Universal, had high hopes for MSNBC’s coverage of the political conventions. Instead, the coverage frequently descended into on-air squabbles between the anchors, embarrassing some workers at NBC’s news division, and quite possibly alienating viewers. Although MSNBC nearly doubled its total audience compared with the 2004 conventions, its competitive position did not improve, as it remained in last place among the broadcast and cable news networks.

Look, we kicked ass in the ratings as compared to 2004. What more do these idiots want? And fights? Yeah, sure we fought. But people wanted to see the fights. It was part of the entertainment. Why couldn't people just get that? And those whiny ass NBC folks? They can kiss my ass. Really. I want them to kiss my ass. Repeatedly. Okay, sure that may have been part of the problem. But who's more important? Them or me? That's right. ME. Except maybe not so much at least until November. Then I'll be back off-leash and ready to rumble. And who will I come looking for first? Those whiny-ass NBCers. That's right Brokaw. You're on the list. So is Williams. And Gregory? Don't make me laugh. Looks like Howdy Dowdy's love child with Anderson Cooper.I have to say though I did get a laugh off of one thing in this so-called news article. A perfect example of what happens when the Mouth gives unauthorized quotes and doesn't let the EGO speak, nonsense like this:

“I found it ironic and instructive that I could have easily said exactly what I did say, exactly when I did say it, if I had been wearing a different hat, and nobody would have taken any issue,” he said.

Can I get a translator or three in here, stat? Hell, even I can't translate that one. Update: The Mouth tells me it didn't give this quote. The Ass was in charge of spitting out that quote. That certainly helps explain it but I still can't translate it.

Some staff members said the tension led to the network’s decision to keep Mr. Olbermann in New York for the Republican convention, after he ran the desk in Denver during the Democratic convention. MSNBC said that he stayed in New York to anchor coverage of Hurricane Gustav. But some workers say there were other reasons — namely, that Mr. Olbermann was concerned about his safety in St. Paul, given the loud crowds at MSNBC’s set in Denver.

Look, I don't even like crowds when they're friendly. The EGO does not mingle with the common folk. Did they really think I was going to endanger life and limb by diving into a GOP-centric audience? Why would they want to damage their STAR Anchor? Okay sure some wanted to see me torn limb from limb but that was just Scarborough and Abrams. Losers. Oh and one more thing? For all you haters who think that NBC doesn't love me anymore? Check it out babies:

Just last year, Mr. Olbermann signed a four-year, $4-million-a-year contract with MSNBC. NBC is close to supplementing that contract with Mr. Olbermann, extending his deal through 2013 — and ensuring that he will be on MSNBC through the next election.

That's right. The EGO roars again. Just had to let everyone know that I'll be live and large on your tv screen straight through to 2013. Sure NBC doesn't like it. Hell, most of MSNBC doesn't like it. But you know what? I make so damn much money I can buy and sell them all. So life is still good for me. And that's really all that matters, right?

Scarborough remains a smart-ass

I don't like Scarborough. Never have, never will. Smarmy GOP operative. Can't trust 'em. And I don't. And you know what else I don't like about him? He's a snarky, smart-mouthed, sarcastic asshole too. Witness this exchange with New York magazine:

NYM: How are things going with Keith Olbermann?
J.S.: Well, you know, I don't invite him to Thanksgiving dinner and he doesn't invite me to Thanksgiving dinner, but I think everything is fine.
NYM: Did you start bringing a shovel to work?
J.S.: Well, you know, I don't bring shovels on air when I'm quoting David Axelrod. So I was reporting and I'm still not sure what the comment meant, but I just was quoting David Axelrod. So perhaps he should present David Axelrod with a shovel and not me.

I tell you how I'd like to hit with a shovel. Good think I wasn't in St. Paul this week with this smarmy little bastard. I'm putting you on notice Pal. And that Thanksgiving Day dinner thing? You're so not invited to dine anywhere near me.

Jossip. Again.

This idiot really hates me. Again with the anonymous sources. Remember the Olbermann commandment #1? Don't believe unnamed sources? Keep that in mind when you read this drivel.

"We've spoke to a number of 30 Rock staffers in Denver, New York, and Washington — some of whom thought it more productive to speak to us than attend to the on-going live DNC coverage — and the common wisdom is: 1) Nobody can believe how much Keith Olbermann is getting away with, even if he does draw ratings; 2) As an Olbermann protege, Rachel Maddow is attracting negative feelings from staffers, since she stays mum on many of these catfights, but "there's still time" to represent; 3) MSNBC head Phil Griffin is alienating staffers by publicly defending Olbermann while privately bashing him, and it's left many wondering when that will leak (oops); 4) MSNBC publicist Jeremy Gaines appears increasing stressed out and can be seen "shaking" with a phone attached to his ear dealing with reporters; 5) You don't want to run into Chris Matthews anytime soon, especially en route to the bathroom, because he has zero pleasant things to say right now; 6) Joe Scarborough is definitely stressed, but he's managed to calm down a bit today and can be seen laughing and gabbing; 7) None of this is helping ratings, with MSNBC scoring the lowest numbers against Fox News and CNN.

I refuse to dignify any of that with a comment. Got it?

Nobody, including all of MSNBC, believes Phil Griffin when he says "MSNBC does not have an ideology. Says one veteran off-camera staffer: "Bullshit … It's a total farce."

How can you believe a guy who can't even use good grammar?

Me Difficult?

Again, don't believe anonymous sources who won't use their name for attribution. Unless they are willing to go on the record about me, nothing they say is valid. Got it? It's the First Commandment of Olbermann. (I'm a God people, of course I have rules for you peons to follow! Learn these simple rules and we'll get along just fine, got it?). Okay so this so-called anonymous source had this to say about me:

Some sources who have worked with Olbermann at MSNBC describe him as a difficult colleague, and one source said that there are tensions with Matthews.

Notice these bastards reference the NY Post in this so-called news article. Commandment #2? If it comes from a Murdoch rag or quotes a Murdoch rag it doesn't count either.

Look, when Keith anchors, he plays it straight down the line,” Griffin said. “This is our team. They’ve served us well. We love ’em, and we’re going to be at the Republican convention, and it’s going to be great. And I don’t have any hesitation.”

Yep another quote from my bitch Phil. And having no hesitation? That's what I love about this guy. If I jumped off the Empire State Building he'd be right behind me, cheerleading me all the way. What a guy.

My Plan is Working

I love it. Look-the Wall Street Journal has written about my favorite subject: me! Sure it's about the on-air squabbling all of the MSNBC anchors have done this week with one another but who cares-it's free press. For ME! And yep--there's my bitch Phil Griffin apologizing for me once again. I have to say this is better than most of Phil's statements. And you know why? I wrote it for him. Seriously, the man is not that bright. It's why I'm able to run completely over him.

The network's chief played down the acrimony. "Look, I want honest, authentic people on our air. I don't want phonies. So if the price of that is every once in a while one of these bubbles up, I'm not concerned," said MSNBC President Phil Griffin. "Like any good manager, I give and I take and I massage and I deal with it," he added, "but the fact of the matter is this is what we want: a diverse, fun, rough-and-tumble look at politics."

I could have done without the WSJ referring to him as the network's "chief". That's me people, not my bitch Phil.

The changes have made a star of the liberal firebrand Mr. Olbermann and left several news people feeling marginalized, including Messrs. Scarborough and Matthews and former General Manager Dan Abrams, people familiar with the situation said. An MSNBC representative declined to make the on-air personalities available for comment.

The WSJ, a Rupert Murdoch owned rag called me a star! Suck that Bill-O! And re the rest of the MSNBCers feeling "marginalized"? HA! That's part of my plan idiots! And here's Variety writing about me too!

"Look, it happens," Griffin said. "Everyone is working hard here, and people are passionate about their feelings, and this is the rough-and-tumble world of politics." He said he'd prefer if staff didn't have fights on air, "but it wasn't the first time and probably won't be the last. The main thing is, this does not define us. Don't make more of this than it is." Griffin emphasized a distinction between talent having a point of view -- which he seeks for certain programs -- and the network having a point of view. "We as a network do not have a point of view," he said.

Say what Phil? See what happens when I let him off his leash? Of course we have a point of view: MINE! Bad Phil. Very bad. I'll use the NY Post later to beat you with. The best line in this article? This one:

Ultimately, Scarborough may have to leave the channel

Part of the plan people. Part of the plan. Hell this is working so well I got internationalpress! Kudos to The Nation for calling us the Real World Denver.

What happens when overpaid media personalities stop being polite--and start getting real....

Overpaid? Well I do take exception to THAT. And finally, McClatchy news service had yet another prescient (you know I love to throw around big words) this about the fate of one Joe Scarborough:

Anybody want to lay odds on who'll go after Scarborough next? As MSNBC increasingly brands itself as the lefty alternative in cable news, Scarborough looks out of place. Unless you think of him as a pinata.

I loveit!

You know why I love Daily Kos?

Because they'll believe anything I tell them without even thinking about it. God I love the comments there. Look at the love and adoration they heap upon me. And not one of them even thinks to ask this question: why do I deny the Brokaw story but don't deny the stories about my having Abrams, Tucker Carlson, and Scarborough (he's next) booted. You know why I don't mention it? Yeah, you know. And I know. But the Kossacks? They just don't. So let's just keep that little secret between you and me okay?

Oh and one more thing? Sometimes when I deny something it's in direct proportion to how true it actually happens to be. And if Brokaw were smart he'd watch his back. See that big ole' pat I just gave him? Look close and you'll see a knife carefully hidden in my hand. Death by a thousand cuts and all that.

The wheels on my bus are just fine

This chick is annoying me. So what if I hate Matthews (and he hates me) and Scarborough hates Schuster and David Gregory hates all of us? So what? Who cares just so long as it makes for great tv?

Well done David. Well done.

And now my minions go in for the kill.

Next on my list?

Scarborough is next on my list.
Shovel? Hell he was using a backhoe. Yeah sure I'm supposed to be objective and all that bullshit but I am sorry. I cannot have him spinning party talking points on my watch.

Radar does not.

So Radar has another one of these stupid lists this morning. They don't like me. I in turn, despise them for not liking me. Don't they realize my greatness? Apparently not. I'm still pissed at them for the last stupid thing they wrote about me. This ridiculous claim that even my own staff doesn't like me (of course my staff doesn't "like" me, they worship me! And that's what they are supposed to do!). So what BS is Radar peddling this morning? Stupid list of supposed "winners" and "losers" in this year's political pundit/newscaster race.

The former sportscaster has finally found his voice as a lefty pundit. Sadly, it's unhinged, pompous, and sounds a lot like Bill O'Reilly's.

Called out by time.com in May for his "gasbag" Special Comments (which leave us feeling drenched with spittle), Olbermann has boosted his show's ratings by morphing into Bill-O's liberal doppelgänger, but he's losing credibility. Fast.

Look, first of all, I don't "race" anyone. I am always number one, got it? Good, now don't forget it. Unhinged? I'll show you unhinged buddy. You're going on my list pronto as you clearly don't get the genius and greatness that is me. Pompous? Okay I'll cop to that. But I'm me! I am greatness! I can't help but be pompous. It's a heavy burden, sure but it's all part of being Keith Olbermann's ego. And how dare you compare me to a hack like O'Reilly? Okay, sure I do owe him a little, okay, a lot (like my complete hate and constant derision), I am no Bill O'Reilly dammit! I'm smarter, better-looking, younger (slightly), and I have a hot girlfriend (she's 23, did I mention that yet)? And re credibility? Are you f'ing kidding me? Have you seen Fox? I rest my case.

So this Radar BS is nothing but lies. And how do I know this? Because they had to say this about Chuck Todd:

Dazzling viewers with his nerdy mastery of delegate math, this former print journalist leaped into the top echelon of know-it-alls this spring. Dubbed "Mr. Spock," "the smartest man on TV," and "the designated driver of MSNBC's political coverage,"

The smartest man on television? That's me dammit. I skipped a year of high school. I have a genius IQ. I am, have always been, and will always be the smartest man on television. And don't you ever forget it! Chuck Todd? Do you know where that little bastard ranks at in importance at MSNBC? Low enough to buff my shoes every morning. I'll show HIM who the designated driver at MSNBC is (even though I can't actually drive. Long story short: subway, baseball game, head injury, peripheral vision loss, etc. Who needs to drive anyway? I have people for that).

Where was I? Oh yeah, more proof of Radar's stupidity? They claim Joe Scarborough is better than me. And Rachel Maddow too. I run MSNBC so both of these mental midgets work for me. So there is no way possible on this earth that either of them, or both of them put together are possibly better than me. See what I mean? Radar=Stupid.

They got one thing right though. Chris Matthews sucks.

An insecure spaz

HA! Love it. Okay so the article isn't a complete pack of lies. Just mostly.