Add the Washington Post to my list

Yeah, that's right. I'm number one baby. Me. And only me. And you know what else? The Washington Post is number one at the top of my list this morning. Their little bitch Howard Kurtz doesn't like me to begin with.

Anyone who thought the Democratic convention would be a dull and choreographed affair clearly didn't count on the bitter, ego-fueled clashes that marked the week. And that was just at MSNBC.

Ha ha. Isn't he funny? Look, I denied this. So if I denied it, even if there is videotape to prove otherwise, it never happened. Got it?

But a number of NBC correspondents are upset over the recent antics at their sister channel, prompting longtime anchor Tom Brokaw to say last week that Olbermann and Matthews have at times "gone too far."

Brokaw went too far when his criticism of the greatness that is me fell out of his mouth. I've made him grovel to me so I feel better now and while he is not forgiven, Kurtz is out of line for even bringing this up.

Olbermann dismisses the "overblown stories" as "nonsense," telling The Washington Post that Pat Buchanan appears regularly on MSNBC and that Scarborough "has never been censored, reined in, called on any carpet for his views, just as I haven't." Just because he disagrees with Murphy or Buchanan, Olbermann says, "doesn't mean the network is inhospitable to their points of view."

See? If I deny it, it hasn't happened and isn't true unless I say it is.

One network staffer, who declined to be named describing private conversations, says MSNBC President Phil Griffin told him that "our audience hates Bush" and that squeezing conservative shows into a liberal lineup would just drive them away.

Okay back to my commandments again. If they refuse to go on record as to who they are then nothing they have to say is true, got it? And doesn't everyone hate Bush? I mean all the people that count that is.

While Lou Dobbs serves up incendiary opinions at CNN, none of its prime-time hosts -- Campbell Brown, Larry King and Anderson Cooper -- is known for ideological views.

I'll tell you what CNN's prime is known for: boredom and bad ratings.

Phil Griffin has tried to smooth things over. He apologized to analyst Mike Murphy after the Olbermann incident, and Brokaw made a point of appearing with Murphy on Scarborough's show the next morning.

Note who did NOT apologize to Murphy. And you know why? Because I was right. I'm always right.

Griffin did not respond to requests for comment last week,

You know why Phil didn't respond for a comment to the WashPo? Because he was out running my errands that's why. Really what's more important? Me or the Washington Post? Right. It's me. It's always me. And Phil gets that. He knows he's my bitch. Speaking of bitches, more blathering from Kurtz:

MSNBC finished last for the week, but it is attracting more viewers than in the past, along with some unwanted attention.

I resent his characterization of our ratings as being in last place. Sure it's true but the important thing is that more people are watching us even if more people are watching other networks.

"Until recently, MSNBC didn't count," Olbermann says. "We didn't move the needle. We do now, and then some. And this scares people, especially people who work for Rupert Murdoch."

Yeah baby, that's the way I like it. Rupert and Bill and all those pinheads at Fox get up every morning thinking of ways they can get to me, Keith Olbermann's Ego. Creating all these false gossip stories about on-air squabbling at MSNBC. It never happened. Got it? If I say so, it never happened. If I say we have the best ratings of all the cable networks then it's true too. You know why? Because I said so. And what I say matters. Got it? Good, now don't forget it.