Citizen Journalists? Not on my watch.

So Page Six is at it again. Those guys hate me. The feeling is mutual. But at least they recognize that I'm a big, big, big star and worthy of being written about. And because I'm a big, big, big star they hate me and print lies about me (except when it's true which I'll never admit).

Let me break down today's little item for you.

KEITH Olbermann is again being an embarrassment to MSNBC.

Embarrassment? I'm their star. It's my network. They wouldn't be a network without me. I'm the only reason that so-called perpetually third-place network gets any attention at all. The Post is just jealous of me.

The cable channel and MySpace have teamed up to choose two "citizen journalist" correspondents to cover the upcoming national political conventions. The "journalists" will be featured both on MySpace and MSNBC's campaign coverage. A spy said, "Every anchor is onboard and willing to play along, except Keith. He refuses to participate because MySpace is owned by Rupert Murdoch's News Corp." - which also owns Fox News and The Post.

Don't they understand that the Post and Rupert and Fox News are my mortal enemies? Okay so my feuding with them has become a central part of every night's broadcast but it's important people. It's far more important than any news item I could possibly ever substitute in its place because America cares about me and they want to know who my enemies are, and what matters to me, Keith Olbermann. It's important because it does matter to me, Keith Olbermann. So why on earth did the suits at NBC Universal think I'd play along with anything concerning Rupert Murdoch? America just doesn't understand what I have to go through when dealing with the suits. I'm smarter than they are: I'm smarter than everyone and everybody. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb idea! But I showed 'em. Read on.

A rep for Olbermann said, "There are no plans for the contest winners to be on any programs other than 'Morning Joe.'

That's the official story. Let me tell you the real story. So the suits had this really stupid idea. What made them think I'd publicize anything to do with Rupert Murdoch? See what I mean? They're stupid! But not me. I'm brilliant. But you already knew that right? I know you do because I like to point it out every single chance I get. I'm smart, you're not, and that's just the way it is. Love me, envy me, recognize, that's all I'm asking here people. Work with me on this, there is no truth but the one I tell got it?

Anyway, so let me translate and tell you what the publicist wasn't saying. Yeah, sure, there were plans originally for these citizen freaks to be on every single MSNBC program but since I refused to play with anything remotely having to do with Rupert Murdoch I forced the network to significantly scale back their plans so now these citizen whatevers will only be on Morning Joe and no one watches that train wreck anyway. That way I get my revenge on Murdoch, I make the suits at 30 Rock recognize yet again that it's all about me and what I want and if I don't want citizen journalists then they'll be exiled to Siberia (that's what we call MJ here at MSNBC). I'm happy and now they're not so someone went whining to the Post but who cares? It's about me and what I want. My name gets printed in Page Six yet again and as long as people are writing about me, I'm very happy. So what if it's not flattering? Big f'ing deal. Page Six recognizes me. I'm on their pages along with billionaires, movie stars, Madonna, and A-Rod (he's my buddy btw).

See what kind of idiots I'm forced to work with? I am the network. I am MSNBC. I'm the only damn journalist this two-bit network has got and that's why I run the network. It's my network, not theirs and they were stupid enough to try and make a decision without considering my wants and needs. Will they ever learn? Sure they will but as you can see, I have to remind them of that on a near daily basis. Idiots.

Anyway, so there you have it. The real story. Yeah sure Page Six was factually correct but factually correct doesn't matter in my world and my world is the only world that there is. Screw Murdoch, the Post, Page Six, MySpace, Citizen Journalists, and whatever else stupid idea that the promo department comes up with. If I don't want to play then the game is over. This kind of thing is fun for me, I get more publicity, I had the satisfaction of forcing the suits to fold and the publicists at MSNBC scramble yet again to cover for my how shall we say, intransigence? It doesn't get any better for me that that. I get to show them yet again who really runs that network. And we all know it's my network right? I'm the only anchor MSNBC needs and will ever need. Me. Me. Me. Me. And that's the way it should be because in the end, all that matters is me and what I want. Nothing else. Just me me me me. And never forget, it's all about me.