Keith Olbermann's Ego's Birthday is coming up. The Ego still likes to think of himself as a slim, trim 35, not the actual 51 that The Ego will be on 1/27. Anyway, The Ego knows that his fans love to shower him with gifts for his birthday. The Ego thought that he would provide you with some helpful hints to avoid buying loser birthday presents. Now where shall we begin?
Baseball Cards. That would be a negative. The Ego already has every baseball card ever made and do you honestly think that you mere mortals could hope to produce a card not already in The Ego's possession?
Playboy Magazines. The Ego already has a complete collection, but thanks for thinking of what The Ego likes to think about: naked women. If however, you are under the age of 25, and your measurements equal no more than 100 inches TOTAL (38-26-36 equals 100 ladies) and you have a face that won't stop a clock, then by all means, feel free to submit your photos to me for the Ego's personal enjoyment if you catch my drift. If you've got a butter face like most of Tiger Wood's rejects, then just send me the body shot instead. Then again, maybe something like this would be better altogether. They don't ask for half your fortune later.
Ties. Also a big no. The Ego has a very carefully color-coordinated wardrobe and given some of the ahem, interesting, choices made by fans in the past, The Ego does not want and will not wear your ugly-ass tie on air. Although The Ego is not ruling out using them for uhm, restraints.
Artwork Unless it's a signed original by a collectible artist or an authentic print again by a collectible artist, The Ego is not interested. This means no homemade shit that I've seen some of you posting on the internets. You make think you're Van Gogh but The Ego, having seen your artistic..uh..talents thinks it's more of a case of Van Gosh. And Van Don't. Please don't. Let The Ego re-emphasize that point. No homemade bumper stickers you think are clever. No photoshops. No reproductions of the Ego's likeness in Toast.
Food. The Ego will not accept any type of edible product unless it comes from a well-known third-party (Godiva) and arrives completely sealed for the Ego's protection. We do not want any repeat of the attempted-poisoning of The Ego that occurred a few yeas back.
Cologne. The Ego does not need to receive a box set of Old Spice or English Leather.
Books. Unless it's a signed first edition by a well-known author, again, The Ego is not interested. This goes double and triple for any books on baseball. Do you really think you're going to find a baseball book that The Ego doesn't already have in his possession and couldn't write better if he had been the author?
Bobbleheads. The Ego does like his Bobbleheads. But again, if you've got something you think is original and The Ego would like, it's already in the Ego's collection.
Anything Monty Python or A Christmas Story related. Please, if there's a valuable collectible of an Ego fav, don't you think that Keith Olbermann's Ego already has it and it is already placed in The Ego's archive along with the baseball cards and the old Playboy mags? I know, I know, you think you're special. You're different. You and you alone are capable of picking out a unique present for The Ego. Again, after many, many very bad presents, The Ego knows differently and would like to point out that these are the same post-menopausal, pathetic spinsters (that means over the age of 25) who also operate under the mistake delusion that they would make an ideal mate for The Ego. Again, WRONG.
Now that we've got the ground rules all squared away, The Ego would also like to remind you that he will not accept any gifts that come to his personal home address. Sure the address has been posted on the internets. I know you know where The Ego lives. That does not mean you're allowed to visit there or send mail to that address. Those who violate this rule will either be thrown in jail for stalking or your pathetic present will be thrown away without being opened. If you really think you have come up with a unique present, then by all means, send to The Ego's attention at 30 Rock in NYC. There The Ego has a team of willing interns who understand that it is their job to give their lives if necessary to protect The Ego by opening his mail and performing other assorted duties for the Ego.