Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Tom Brokaw: Idiot

So at last Tom Brokaw admits that he had me canned reassigned.
In an interview...Mr. Brokaw said..he had “advocated” within the executive suite of NBC News to modify the anchor duties of the MSNBC hosts Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews on election night and on nights when there were presidential debates. Their expressions of strong political opinions from the MSNBC anchor desk has run counter to the more traditional role Mr. Brokaw played on “NBC Nightly News” for more than two decades.
See this is the problem with Tom "Idiot" Brokaw right there. He's trying to hold onto a model that is over 20 years old (as opposed to holding onto a 20-year old model which is a totally different thing). No less than Phil Griffin, the president of MSNBC called Countdown a model for the newscast of the future. I'm hip and happening baby! Tom is not. 'Nuff said.
“Keith is an articulate guy who writes well and doesn’t make his arguments in a ‘So’s your old mother’ kind of way,” Mr. Brokaw said. “The mistake was to think he could fill both roles. The other mistake was to think he wouldn’t be tempted to use the anchor position to engage in commentary. That’s who he is.”
And people love me for it Tom. You still don't get it.
Mr. Brokaw is 68 now, and the strain of a frenetic travel and work schedule appears to show in ways it did not before. At times on “Meet the Press” or on “Today” in recent weeks, Mr. Brokaw’s eyes have appeared to be mere slits and he has seemed short of breath. “My daughters will say I look tired,” he said. Asked if he was exhausted, he said: “Yeah, a little bit. Who wouldn’t be?”
See? Tom Brokaw is old. He doesn't understand the world of television news today. I do. And I am the future of television news. And that's why I am loved, adored, and worshiped. As it should be. the kids love me. Tom Brokaw isn't smart enough to get the greatness that is Keith Olbermann's Massive Ego. Tom do yourself a favor and go back to Idaho or Wyoming or Nebraska or wherever it is that you have your little log cabin Tom and retire already. We here at MSKONBC will do just fine without you.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Okay so it's not about me

but it's about my creation. While I can't deny I'd much prefer it if this entire article was about me, praising me (as all articles should), at least I'm mentioned, prominently.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Songs from Keith Olbermann's Ego's IPod

I'd actually like this song a whole lot more if it was about me. But still, this fine band had the foresight and wisdom to put me in their musical video. And who is that guy sitting beside me? I have no idea.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Oh that Time Magazine.

Such a kidder. Actually these comments were from one of Time's readers, but still. They mock me. Kinda. I did like the part where they mocked the rest of the NBC-MSNBC crew though. Kinda.
Each candidate will play it safe, trot out a new zinger or catch phrase or two, McCain will declare that 'we're winning, my friends!" forty or fifty times. Tom Brokaw will declare that McCain reassured Americans that he is still "the old fighter pilot". Keith Olbermann will push Brokaw's buttons, Chris Matthews will wander off into the rhetorical weeds and stop just short of saying that McCain is unfit to be president, and cross the line of saying "regular white Americans" still feel they don't know Barack Obama. Pat Buchanan will declare in muted, coded semi-shrieks that the Negroes are coming, and Rachel Maddow will point out, too subtly for anyone in the studio but Olberman to catch, that Paddy B is deranged racist.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

So this is what she does when I'm not around.

So now I know what Miss Katy Tur does while I'm working. Thanks to DSKO for the link.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Reasons why Conan O'Brien sucks.

Because he mocks the greatness that is Keith Olbermann and MSKONBC. David Letterman? David Letterman is the best late night talk show in the history of the medium. Why? Because he recognizes the genius that is Keith Olbermann's ego.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

What's more important? News or baseball?

Stupid question. The answer is always, always, always baseball.

Maher? Lay down the bong.

So Bill Maher says we've never met. Bill you really need to lay down the bong because it's starting to impair your memory. Not only have we met, I was on your show in 2000. And we talked about......yeah, you guessed it, both being Cornell grads. Seriously, how could anyone forget meeting the greatness that is Keith Olbermann? Has to be the drug haze surrounding Maher.

Monday, September 22, 2008

They say that imitation

is the sincerest form of flattery. And Keith Olbermann's ego loves flattery and lots of it. But somehow this does not amuse me. Just a warning: Mock me at your own risk.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Things I love the Most

The Yankees and Myself. Pop Quiz: Count how many times I talk about myself in this article.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I Love Kos almost as much as I love me.

Because they let me blog there. And I get to respond to my critics just like I do on Countdown. And just so the haters will now,
"Since she (Rachel) started, my ratings are up 50-75%. It doesn't matter who has more on a given night. I'll be the one applauding loudest if she gets more every night.
Okay that last part? Totally a lie. Bitch better watch her step. She needs to recognize who's Alpha Dog, Sir MSKONBC, Lord of the Cable News Anchors and she better not forget it. and just in case she does, I'll blog again at Kos and explain what ratings really mean which is whatever I want them to. Got it?

I'd like to thank the Academy................

So Forbes has decided to have a little fun at my expense.
While "WWE Smackdown!" has never been an Emmy contender, my special Smackdown Emmy has been earned by NBC News and its fractious former co-anchors for MSNBC's convention coverage. Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews played host to partisan dust-ups, back-and-forth bickering, and outstanding achievement in embarrassing the news division before they were abruptly reassigned as commentators for the rest of the campaign. And all without benefit of steroids or spandex!
But you know what? I'm having more fun because I get to deliver an Emmy Speech. It goes something like this "I'd like to thank the Academy for recognizing my brilliance. I'd thank my agent but honestly I do all the heavy lifting myself. I'd thank my staff and crew but let's get serious here. It's an honor for them to work with me. I'd thank Phil Griffin but everyone knows he's my butt boy already and I walk all over him on a daily basis. And the suits at NBC-Uni? Don't even get me started. Where was I? Oh yeah, thank yous. Yeah, let me thank what's her name--seriously....what's her name again? Oh yeah, Katy. But it's not like she had anything to do with this award. So who does that leave? Yep. Me. It's always, always, always all about me. As it should be. So thanks Academy. I can't say I didn't earn this because I totally did. I just want to know why it took you so long to note my brilliance to begin with.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Time to Banish Morning Joe

WTF? "Good things happen to GOOD people?" What the hell does that slimeball Scarborough mean by that little cutting comment? I'm not only good, I'm great. I'm the greatest anchorman in the history of MSNBC the world. Oh. They weren't talking about that kind of great. They were literally talking about being a good person. Who the hell cares about that kind of crap? What matters is greatness, not goodness and I am greatness personified. And so what if the little morning Joe folks just think Rachel is adorable. Now you know why I called Scarborough on his shoveling for McLame because he's totally full of it. How does that make me a bad person for pointing out that he's a bullshit artist? Dont these idiots understand I run own KONBC? Decisions. Decisions. Where can I banish these no-talent idiots to? You'd think morning on MSNBC would be banishment enough for them. Losers.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

This better not be a trend.

So I'm not liking the looks of this. I gave her that show and she better not forget it. More importantly, she needs to make sure that this doesn't become a regular occurrence. Oh sure I can and will take complete credit for her success but I just don't want her doing better than me. Or then it will be RMNBC not KONBC and I have a real problem with that.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Jeff Zucker is a tool

but he can spin like a top. I like that in a network executive. Particularly when the network executive in question likes loves me.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Another vote for KONBC

I'm really beginning to embrace the sound of this. I've already talked them into lots of repeats of me. I loves me some me after all and of course the viewers do too. So why not extend this out a bit? Replay the Football Night in America show from Sunday Night on a continuous loop in the overnight hours. It's have to be better than the "Red Eye" shit that FNC puts on in the middle of the night, right?

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Lou Dobbs is an Idiot. And so is his wife.

I haven't liked Lou Dobbs since I first worked with the a-hole back at CNN. But seriously when did he become Dr. F'ing Phil? I'm "hanging on by a highly medicated thread?" All I have to say to MISTER Dobbs is this: At least my wife doesn't parade around airports with handguns. Okay, so technically I don't have a wife, but if I did, she wouldn't go to airports with guns.

Five Myths about Me? I'm a Legend, not a Myth.

Listen son, I do not appreciate this article. And for one simple reason which precluded me from even bothering to read the damn thing. The title says I was demoted. We all know I was not demoted. I was R-E-A-S-S-I-G-N-E-D. Big Difference. Huge. But not as huge as the genius that is me.

Seriously. Enough.

I don't know whether Keith Olbermann's Immense Ego should be happy or upset that people are continuing to write about me. Okay, fine. I can't fool my faithful readers can I? You know me. The "real" me. And God knows I love some attention. Any kind of attention. Even when it's this kind.
Don't trust anybody, especially if they agree with you, because sooner or later, they'll let you down. They'll make your brain bleed and your intestines burn with embarrassment, kind of like when you carry a torch for that special girl, only to discover she's out of reach. I'm feeling that discomfort and embarrassment after watching Keith Olbermann the past month. His politics are fine, but his credibility is in the toilet.
You know what embarasses me? This guy's writing style. And that brain bleed buddy is obviously what's causing your intense lack of intelligent thought in this stupid article you wrote which is absolutely pointless. Got it? Pointless. My credibility is beyond reproach. How dare this idiot suggest otherwise. There's more contrived crap there written by this dweeb but really, don't bother reading it. It's not worth your time. Or my attention. Even if it is about me, which as I'll freely admit, I do enjoy seeing my name in print or on the internets. Now I'm totally down with the fine suggestion of Broadcasting & Cable who has come up with the novel suggestion of completely seperating MSNBC from NBC. I've already come up with that suggestion myself. I run the network after all, they might as well rename it after me: KONBC. Is that great or what?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Please stop asking me why

it's okay that MSNBC showed images of 9/11 today when I said 2 days ago that no responsible newsroom still showed those images anymore in my latest Special Comment. It's just is okay? And it is if I say it is and that's really all you need to know. Did I tell you that I got a really big raise from MSNBC? The two aren't connected I swear.

Jon Stewart Sucks.

According to this, he is the reason that Matthews and I were R-E-A-S-S-I-G-N-E-D. You see, he mocked us. I for one did not appreciate the mockery. But of course, as you all know by now, the actual R-E-A-S-S-I-G-N-M-E-N-T was all my idea. Because Now I can say whatever the hell I want to about anyone, anytime--okay, technically, I was doing that anyway but now it's going to be off-the chain (Katy taught me that phrase. I'm hip aren't I? That's one more justification for keeping her around. It keeps me hip and happening and down-with-the-"in" lingo". Anyway, Jon Stewart mocked me. Prepare to meet your maker Stewart--it's ON!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Ahhhh. More great press.

They love me. They really love me. And why wouldn't they? I am greatness personified even when it's doing something so trivial as football highlights. It would be better if it were baseball highlights but whatever, praise is praise and I love it that this guy, this astute writer, no doubt a very intelligent man (but not as intelligenet as the genius that is me) gets me. And loves me. I am the GOLD STANDARD people. Use that phrase as often as possible about me from now on in your conversations about me. And of course you frequently talk about me. Because I'm me and I am GOLDEN.

Remember all those nasty things I said about Jossip?

I apologize. No, wait. What was I thinking? I don't do apologies. Ever. The Ego never, ever apologizes. I just find new people to blame stuff on. Where was I? Oh yeah, Jossip. You know why they are now on the "like" list? Because of this. Lord of MSNBC? I like it. No, I love it. Lord Olbermann. I wonder if an Estate comes with that? Oh right. I don't need one. I live in a Penthouse on Park Avenue that the likes of you poor souls could never, ever afford. As it should be. Because only a super-deluxe crib will do for the Ego. That's Lord Ego to you people.

And you know why her ratings were good?

Because she is my protege. 'Nuff said.

*Spelling corrected by Marinara because sometimes, even Keith Olbermann's Ego needs a spell-checker.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Money can't buy happiness

and really who wants to be happy anyway? It's all about pain relief people. And what eases the pain best of all? A raise.

Atta Boy Phil

My bitch
Phil Griffin is back on task. Griffin insisted that external pressures did not force the change. Rather, he said, it was a discussion initiated last week by Olbermann, who told him he felt uncomfortably constrained after the Republicans aired a video about the victims of the Sept. 11 attacks during their convention.
See? Told you it was all my idea to R-E-A-S-S-I-G-N me to analyst.

I just can't keep up with all the press I'm getting

You know what this means? People KNOW who I am. And they care deeply about me. I mean sure, a lot of them seem to have a lot of mean, hateful things to say about me but screw it, they at least know who I am, the greatness that is Keith Olbermann's Ego and isn't that what's really important here? Just between me and you though? I could do with all this talk about "demotion". It's not a demotion, it's a "reassignment". Got it? R-E-A-S-S-I-G-N-M-E-N-T not the "demotion" word. And if you don't believe me (and why wouldn't you believe me? I'm me, after all) then listen to my bitch Phil Griffin as he explains it all to those who can't grasp the obvious.
MSNBC president Phil Griffin told The Hollywood Reporter that the channel made the decision Thursday night after re-evaluating the wisdom of having the two of them anchoring the coverage while at the same time giving opinions. He said the network decided it was better not having them feel like they have to restrain themselves. "If you move two feet over (from the anchor desk), you can say whatever you want virtually at the same time," he said.
Actually Phil I've always said what I wanted but that's beside the point. Now I'm completely unleashed. As it should be.

Monday, September 8, 2008

It was all MY idea.

Yeah, that's the ticket. It was my idea. Who really wanted to anchor anyway? Not me.
Olbermann and Matthews will remain as analysts during major political events, and officials at both networks, who declined to be identified discussing personnel moves, said Olbermann had initiated the discussions to clarify his role
. Okay, so I was the source, but still.
They said Olbermann's influence at MSNBC would in no way be diminished and that the shift would enable him and Matthews to offer more candid analysis during live coverage.
And by "they" they mean me. And yes, I'll be candid. Very candid.
Olbermann confirmed yesterday he had initiated the discussions. "Phil and I have debated this set-up since late winter/early spring (with me saying, 'Are you sure this flies?' and him saying, 'Yes, but let's judge it event by event') and I think we both reached the same point during the RNC," Olbermann said by e-mail.
So there you have it. I demoted myself. And if I say that's what happened, that's what happened, okay?

I really, really, really hate Jossip

How many ways do I hate Jossip? As high as I can count and that's a lot because I'm brilliant. Did you know I went to Cornell and that I graduated from high school when I was 16? Now you do if you didn't already. Where was I? Oh yeah, Jossip. Hate 'em. Really, really hate them. But this one is kinda making me laugh. Hee hee. The staff is pissed at my bitch Phil Griffin. Now they know how I feel.
MSNBC staffers didn't appreciate waking up this morning to read the latest company fumble in the New York Times instead of, say, a staff email or memo from topper Phil Griffin. That's just the latest in a string of complaints reaching us from across NBC News' bureaus following the revelation that Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews would no longer be manning the anchor chair during hard news events; instead, they'll once again return to the pundit circle. Part of the announcement was that David Gregory would be playing center square, turning to O+M for their analysis while he moderates the hard news during the presidential debates and election night returns. And that's the other sticking point for NBC News staffers: Nobody wants Gregory in that role, according the temperature our sources have taken inside the network. "The Phil [Griffin] management style has infuriated people who aren't even fans of Olbermann," says one spy. Gregory's own 6pm Race To The White House has been a ratings dud, and while Olbermann and Matthews have kept MSNBC's ratings alive, many fear Gregory will tank that progress. Staffers are cheering for the home team, but find it hard when the guy making the calls is Griffin.
Phil was never actually making the calls. I was. I run the network. I own the network. I AM the network. Why can't people just accept that and move on? But at least they hate Gregory as much as I do. Hee hee.

TV Newser has turned on me too.

First the Times. Now TV Newser. Apparently they could not resist the temptation to mock me either.
TVNewser talked with several NBC and MSNBC insiders for their reaction and what the mood is like today. The comments range from 'it needed to happen' to asking, 'what's next?' An NBC News executive believes the Olbermann-Matthews pairing was dicey almost from the start — "It evolved into the monster that it is, and no one was minding the image," says the executive. "They banked on the team to do the events, and little by little the slippery slope lost its ground." An NBC News correspondent told us, it was "a move that needed to happen. There was a perception in the political world that what was going on at MSNBC was bleeding over into NBC News. It was an easy front for the GOP to exploit and thus a shake-up needed to happen." "It's important to note that we don't see this as a diminishing of Keith and Chris' role," says the insider. "They're still going to be front and center, it's just that we're adding David to the mix as anchor."
If I find out that little dweeb Phil gave this quote without my authorization he'll be sweeping floors at the network when I'm done with him.

In Washington, home base for 11-year MSNBC veteran Matthews, the perception is that he has become the fall guy. "There's a real sense of unfairness that Chris is being made to pay for Keith's behavior. As for the future, the NBC News exec tells us, "From an executive level, I don't know what they're thinking. Is Gregory the answer? Who knows? But there's a lot at stake." MSNBC decision-makers are also quick to make clear that Olbermann is still the anchor for big news stories, just not politics.
Screw Matthews-he's out of here in a year anyway. What about ME? What about MY Pain???

And now sadly Wonkette has joined the battle

This is really wounding me, Keith Olbermann's Ego. Wonkette is just way over the top. Is this really necessary?
Due to not watching much teevee your Wonkette editors were generally spared the spectacular series of meltdowns Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann enjoyed during the conventions, but we understand it was pretty nuts: catty hand gestures and bickering like old lesbians and finally Keith Olbermann refusing to go to St. Paul for fear he would be “assassinated.” Now we can all breathe a sigh of relief because they will not be anchoring the debates or election night for MSNBC.Chris Matthews will always have a special place in this editor’s heart because he is such a genuine political dork who actually knows something about American history. Keith Olbermann is a humorless gasbag who can eat a dick.
They must have me confused with Anderson Cooper or Shep Smith. And anyone who likes Chris Matthews more than me? Idiots.

Thank God. Gawker Gets It!

Gawker gets it.
So, MSNBC President Phil Griffin, be a fucking man for once and hold your ground against Zucker and NBC News President Steve Capus and even Original Blowhard Tom Brokaw (seriously, why did the act of "retiring" bestow respectability upon that hack?). If people wanted Brian Williams and David Gregory to cover everything quietly and politely they'd actually watch your evening news. Scarborough, Olbermann, Matthews, and Maddow are the best of cable this year, because of their unique ability to annoy the shit out of each other and also to generally know what the fuck they're talking about, which is basically unheard of on television, let alone cable news.

New York Magazine: Screw 'em Too

Long-time haters. And really, who honestly reads magazines anymore anyway? No wonder they have to resort to posting this crap about me on the internets.
They gave them a chance. But they could not get along. After weeks of on-air squabbles, and amid accusations of political bias (such as the chants of "NBC! NBC!" that erupted during Sarah Palin's speech the other night), MSNBC has taken lightning rods Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann away from prime-time coverage of the presidential election, remanded them back to their own shows, and replaced them with a more sanguine host, reporter David Gregory — much to the relief of those at NBC who felt the duo's antics were compromising the news organization as a whole. If this were a buddy movie, longtime rivals Matthews and Olbermann would, in exile, find a bond in being punished together. With no one else around to understand the specific pain of being demoted from the most exciting election like, ever, they would form a friendship, overcome their flaws as human beings, and eventually return stronger than ever.But in reality these guys are just going to retire to their respective pastures and keep talking and gobbling up money until they disgrace themselves or die. Which wouldn't be a very good movie at all.
This ain't no movie pal. It's real life. And I'm not going anywhere. My Ego is too massive to be contained which is why I will now be allowed to freely roam and say whatever the hell I want to as I provide my analysis.

What does the Columbia Journalism Review Know about Journalism Anyway?

What of viewers? How will what looks like a neat and tidy (re)adjustment from MSNBC’s point of view (ok, “experiment” over, back to one head, one hat around here — and for Matthews and Olbermann, that’s the analyst hat, not the anchor/straight news hat) translate for viewers? Will confusion persist? Will viewers even notice, if they’re still getting “analysis” from Olbermann and Matthews alongside “straight reporting” from Gregory? Once blurred, can “the line” really be un-blurred?
Didn't they get the quotes I gave to the NYT and the Washington Post about this? It was all my idea. Idiots. They lack even simple reading comprehension skills.

Conde Nast is Nasty

Portfolio does not like me. I'm not wild about them either. Some of the lies they have chosen to print about the Greatness that is Keith Olbermann's EGO can be found here.
MSNBC has finally come to its senses and taken Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews off anchor duty -- and Olbermann's reaction perfectly illustrates why it was necessary to do so. MSNBC president Phil Griffin has said this arrangement worked because the two men "put on different hats" to anchor straight news coverage. But no one seems to have briefed Olbermann on the whole hat-switching thing. He capped off two weeks of embarrassing convention hijinx by launching into a lecture on Thursday night after the Republican National Convention featured a tribute to the victims of 9/11. Olbermann decreed the video "inappropriate" and exploitative. Olbermann claims he initiated the conversation about taking himself out of the anchor chair -- but he also tells the Times, "I found it ironic and instructive that I could have easily said exactly what I did say, exactly when I did say it, if I had been wearing a different hat, and nobody would have taken any issue." But there's nothing the least bit ironic about it, and if it was "instructive" then Olbermann knows frighteningly little about his chosen profession. The divide between news and editorial is one of the fundamentals of journalism. Some people are able to move back and forth across that divide, taking care not to allow their personal views to color their news reportage. Olbermann is evidently not one of those people. Incidentally, the Times says Olbermann has three years left on his contract, and NBC wants to re-up it through 2013. Here's a prediction: No way is Olbermann still at MSNBC in five years. This is a guy who loves to leave jobs in a mushroom cloud of righteous indignation. One or two more pirouettes by NBC management like the one that happened this weekend and he is out of there.
See? Lies. All lies. ALl of it. Every single word. I'll be there at MSNBC long after this idiot has been fired (and rightfully so) from Portfolio. Just you watch and see.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Et Tu New York Times?

I thought the NY Times loved me. Where's the love? Did they have to put this on the front page where everyone could see it?
After months of accusations of political bias and simmering animosity between MSNBC and its parent network NBC, the channel decided over the weekend that the NBC News correspondent and MSNBC host David Gregory would anchor news coverage of the coming debates and election night. Mr. Olbermann and Mr. Matthews will remain as analysts during the coverage.
Oh I'll analyze alright. I'll analyze like no one has ever analyzed before in the history of the medium.
Executives at the channel’s parent company, NBC Universal, had high hopes for MSNBC’s coverage of the political conventions. Instead, the coverage frequently descended into on-air squabbles between the anchors, embarrassing some workers at NBC’s news division, and quite possibly alienating viewers. Although MSNBC nearly doubled its total audience compared with the 2004 conventions, its competitive position did not improve, as it remained in last place among the broadcast and cable news networks.
Look, we kicked ass in the ratings as compared to 2004. What more do these idiots want? And fights? Yeah, sure we fought. But people wanted to see the fights. It was part of the entertainment. Why couldn't people just get that? And those whiny ass NBC folks? They can kiss my ass. Really. I want them to kiss my ass. Repeatedly. Okay, sure that may have been part of the problem. But who's more important? Them or me? That's right. ME. Except maybe not so much at least until November. Then I'll be back off-leash and ready to rumble. And who will I come looking for first? Those whiny-ass NBCers. That's right Brokaw. You're on the list. So is Williams. And Gregory? Don't make me laugh. Looks like Howdy Dowdy's love child with Anderson Cooper.I have to say though I did get a laugh off of one thing in this so-called news article. A perfect example of what happens when the Mouth gives unauthorized quotes and doesn't let the EGO speak, nonsense like this:
“I found it ironic and instructive that I could have easily said exactly what I did say, exactly when I did say it, if I had been wearing a different hat, and nobody would have taken any issue,” he said.
Can I get a translator or three in here, stat? Hell, even I can't translate that one. Update: The Mouth tells me it didn't give this quote. The Ass was in charge of spitting out that quote. That certainly helps explain it but I still can't translate it.
Some staff members said the tension led to the network’s decision to keep Mr. Olbermann in New York for the Republican convention, after he ran the desk in Denver during the Democratic convention. MSNBC said that he stayed in New York to anchor coverage of Hurricane Gustav. But some workers say there were other reasons — namely, that Mr. Olbermann was concerned about his safety in St. Paul, given the loud crowds at MSNBC’s set in Denver.
Look, I don't even like crowds when they're friendly. The EGO does not mingle with the common folk. Did they really think I was going to endanger life and limb by diving into a GOP-centric audience? Why would they want to damage their STAR Anchor? Okay sure some wanted to see me torn limb from limb but that was just Scarborough and Abrams. Losers. Oh and one more thing? For all you haters who think that NBC doesn't love me anymore? Check it out babies:
Just last year, Mr. Olbermann signed a four-year, $4-million-a-year contract with MSNBC. NBC is close to supplementing that contract with Mr. Olbermann, extending his deal through 2013 — and ensuring that he will be on MSNBC through the next election.
That's right. The EGO roars again. Just had to let everyone know that I'll be live and large on your tv screen straight through to 2013. Sure NBC doesn't like it. Hell, most of MSNBC doesn't like it. But you know what? I make so damn much money I can buy and sell them all. So life is still good for me. And that's really all that matters, right?

Yeah that's right.

$4 million for 2 years. That's what my contract says. Raise your hand if you heard me lay that little bit of knowledge on Patrick tonight. Punk ass had it coming. I had to let him know just how important I am. But he should know that already right? Nothing like a preemptive strike though to let him know I rule.

The NY Daily News? Dead to me now too.

So this wise-ass punk from the NY Daily News has decided that I'm too partisan to cover football highlights. It's football people? How can I talk about politics in the middle of a football game? That's my story and I'm sticking to it no matter how much the haters hate on me. I can multitask and they're just envious because they can't.
Olbermann is either hated (that may not be a strong enough word) or loved. There is no middle ground. People who enjoy having something to complain about watch. So do sycophants who would not pass up the chance to kiss Olbermann's fanny.
He says sycophants like it's a bad thing. And we all know how much I enjoy having my ass kissed, so at least he's right on that score.
The haters who watch “Football Night In America” won't relate to Olbermann as just another schlub voicing over highlights. They may even tune out in disgust. Guess NBC Sports boss Dick Ebersol does not care about losing viewers on an hour-long program that ain't exactly a ratings juggernaut.
Football always trumps politics. Maybe someone will turn down the sound, they might switch the channel, but they'll always come back. And why? Because they love me. And football. Mostly football but still. I am loved. And hated. And even the haters will tune in. Why? Because they love to hate. See, it's all about the love.
Even if you subscribe to Olbermann's political agenda, the following thought might still occur: Doesn't he have something more important to do? Shouldn't Olbermann be preparing for his interview tomorrow night with Barack Obama rather than providing comprehensive analysis on Chad Johnnson changing his name to Chad Ocho Cinco?
He got that part right. Jesus if I had a dime for every time the Kos Crowd wanted me to talk about their little pet issues. And don't even get me started on the 9/11 Truth Conspiracy Whackjobs. I just wish they'd all cut me a break so I could concentrate on what's really important to me: me and what I want to talk about. Or not talk about. Is that really too much to ask?
Since Olbermann's focus is politricks, there is a perception that he couldn't care less, that these Sunday night trips to NBC's football studio amount to Olbermann's version of slumming, that he also digs descending from the mountain top to hang in the playpen with Patrick, Rapping Roberto, Collinsworth, The Bus and Tiki. Football fans see through this stuff. They know when someone cares more about the Electoral College than what college Keyunta Dawson attended.
Politricks. Very funny. Leave the wordsmithing to me, okay pal? And by pal I mean "my new and latest addition to my enemy list". I care about the Electoral College and Football. Not as much as I care about me or baseball, but it's right up there.Really.
The business end of this makes no sense either. Olbermann's “Countdown” show has gotten major buzz for buzz-challenged MSNBC. Olbermann is a brand. Why inject confusion into the mix by putting him on a football show? Unless, of course, Olbermann is calling the shot here.
Shows you how much this asshat knows. That's why he's a newspaper flack and as we all know, newspapers are a losing business these days. Where was I? Oh yeah, this idiot has no business sense when it comes to television. It's about E-X-P-O-S-U-R-E pal. My ratings went up after last season's FNIA gigs and it'll go up more this year. The more people see me the more they want of me, Keith Olbermann's Massive Ego. Duh.
He has taken on an Anchor Monster persona. If he chooses to, Olbermann probably could get away with putting a verbal hit on McCain in between replays of quarterback sacks. Hey, the jive-time spin NBC and MSNBC suits put out when Olbermann remained in New York, rather than anchoring from the Republican Convention in Minny, provided ample evidence of just how long a leash this cat is on. It would not have been surprising if the suits said Olbermann stayed home because he was busy rehearsing for “Football Night In America.” A show that certainly could — and should — live without him.
Hee hee. Anchor Monster. I kinda like the sound of that. I am the anchor of all anchors after all. Note to self: Steal that line and use it again. Repeatedly. Do not give credit for it to this idiot-jerk however. Again-where was I? Oh yeah. Of course I have a long leash. I own MSNBC baby. And now I'm staking my claim on NBC Sports. It's only a matter of time before my master plan is in play and I own the entire damn network. Got a problem with that NY Daily News idiot? You should because once I'm king of NBC you won't even be allowed to watch the greatness that is me, Keith Olbermann's Ego. And he won't admit it but guess what? He'll be watching right along with the rest of you tonight. And that's how I get the last word and the last laugh on my critics (who are all secretly and not-so-secretly envious of me.) As it should be.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

More Me. Always a Good Thing.

Are you ready for some more me? Ignore the guy next to me. It's really all about me.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Scarborough remains a smart-ass

I don't like Scarborough. Never have, never will. Smarmy GOP operative. Can't trust 'em. And I don't. And you know what else I don't like about him? He's a snarky, smart-mouthed, sarcastic asshole too. Witness this exchange with New York magazine:

NYM: How are things going with Keith Olbermann?
J.S.: Well, you know, I don't invite him to Thanksgiving dinner and he doesn't invite me to Thanksgiving dinner, but I think everything is fine.
NYM: Did you start bringing a shovel to work?
J.S.: Well, you know, I don't bring shovels on air when I'm quoting David Axelrod. So I was reporting and I'm still not sure what the comment meant, but I just was quoting David Axelrod. So perhaps he should present David Axelrod with a shovel and not me.

I tell you how I'd like to hit with a shovel. Good think I wasn't in St. Paul this week with this smarmy little bastard. I'm putting you on notice Pal. And that Thanksgiving Day dinner thing? You're so not invited to dine anywhere near me.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Why I like TV Newser and the Chicago Cubs

TV Newser will believe anything (and I do mean anything I or my flunkies tell them. I like that in a reporter.
This week at the RNC, the tone is different. Broadcasting & Cable's Joel Topcik notes MSNBC is, "pulling itself together and looking like a news network again." Of course, there's a major difference in the coverage this week — Keith Olbermann, their lead anchor, is in New York.
I love New York. It's where I function best.
MSNBC president Phil Griffin tells TVNewser how the decision was made for Olbermann to stay in New York. And it all began in Chicago. Griffin and Olbermann were at the Chicago Cubs game Saturday, separately.
What do you think I'd actually attend a game with Phil? Seriously, the guy's my bitch, not a friend.
Olbermann also went to Sunday's game and, during a morning email exchange, Griffin suggested Olbermann should go back to New York, instead of on to St. Paul. Olbermann responded "Seriously?"
Note he suggested. Not ordered me. No one orders me to do anything. Ever. Especially not Phil.
"I made the decision to send Keith back on Sunday, early afternoon. It looked like the storm was going to be the story in the beginning of the week and I needed him in the right position to own that story," Griffin tells TVNewser.
Okay Phil, you're on notice pal. And by pal, I mean, "my bitch". You don't decide anything about me that I don't decide first, got it? And we both know I did not want to go to either Louisiana to cover the hurricane first-hand or to the RNC. So naturally NYC was the best place for me to be.
But several insiders we talked to have questioned why Olbermann, who has attacked Republicans regularly on his show, was the only cable anchor covering the RNC from New York. Several sources inside NBC and MSNBC have told TVNewser there is truth to many of the stories that have been discussed, rumored and reported about Olbermann and Matthews over the past week.
Okay, here TV Newser is stepping over the line. They are quoting gossip websites and worthless tabloid rags which of course print lies about me because they're afraid of the greatness that is Keith Olbermann's Massive Ego. But otherwise they are suck-ups and I love suck-ups. The suckier, the better. Watch how I've turned Chris Matthews into my bitch too. This guy better kiss my ass at every available turn if he knows what's good for him.
So, TVNewser asked Chris Matthews today in St. Paul. "We're complimentary first of all," Matthews says. "He's a broadcaster, I'm sort of a political guy, he's a broadcaster."
Chris forgot to add modification to that sentence. As in, "he's the greatest broadcaster in the history of the medium." Other than that, at least he was groveling. I love groveling. The more the better.
But do they truly get along? "He's very professional, very orderly in his way," Matthews says of Olbermann. "He operates in a very professional, predictable...well he's obviously a strong performer. But he obviously operates in a very orderly...and I don't mean this as a put-down but...predictable. He's a very strongly predicable person in the way of his professionalism. I'm uneven and, what's the right word, flamboyant and impulsive."
Notice how Chris didn't really answer the question that was put to him? And how TVN really didn't press them on the answer? I've taught them both well.
But Matthews tells TVNewser, "You gotta watch it. Don't you see that we get along? Forget the scuttle, don't you see how we get along? I think it's pretty obvious we get along."
Chris sounds almost pathetic there doesn't he? There's a reason for that. He is. But at least he knows whose ass he'd better kiss and that's mine. And that's all I really care about. That and baseball. What? Go home after the DNC? Hell no. There were baseball games to attend. And why the Cubs? Have you seen the Yankees play lately? I rest my case.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Damn Wonkette too.

Not only does Wonkette mock the greatness that is Keith Olbermann's EGO, one of their so-called comments contains a little hint as to where I was this weekend. Hint: Not in St. Paul or NYC. In Chicago. At Wrigley Field. In the Press Box. Watching Baseball.
OK, my husband spotted Olbermann sitting in the press box at Wrigley Field at both Saturday’s and Sunday’s Cubs games (not reporting, mind you, but just hangin’ out). I opined that maybe he was spending his between-conventions-time in Chicago before heading north, but now that theory’s gone. WTF Keith? Did your 23 year old girlfriend (or whatever) miss you that much that you had to head back to NYC?
Yeah, so I've been outed. Big f'ing deal. I like baseball okay? And I have more important things to do than cover some stupid Republican Convention or cover a hurricane or whatever.

Yeah, I'm staying in NYC

Yeah sure everyone is at that stupid RNC in Minnesota. Minnesota? Me in Minnesota? You have to be kidding me. I feel I can do a more effective job covering the RNC if I'm not actually there for it. As you know, the only places I really feel comfortable at are LA and NYC. They are the only ones big enough to hold me, Keith Olbermann's Massive Ego. And while we both know that Hurricane Hanna is going to be a joke it's a great excuse to stay here in NYC and away from the rest of the MSNBC staff. They are all viciously envious of me and they should be. For they are not me, the greatness that is Keith Olbermann's Massive Ego. I'm still the lead anchor, as it should be. And this way I won't have to come near any of those nasty GOPers.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Thanks to Gustav

Yeah yeah yeah. I'm very sorry and pained that Hurricane Gustav is hitting the Gulf Coast but you know what? It's very neatly accomplished two things for me, and that's really all that matters: me. Where was I? Oh yeah, Gustav. First it truncates the RNC convention. I of course was greatly worried about my personal safetyin the face of so many enemies and didn't want to go to some godforsaken hell hole like Minnesota to begin with. So along comes Hurricane Gustav. Bingo the RNC is shortened and I get to come back home to my beloved NYC. Life is good. Life is very good. Unless of course you live in the Gulf Coast area in which case it sucks ass right about now. But that isn't my problem. Really it's not even my worry. Unless it directly impacts me. And so far, for me, Hurricane Gustav has been good. Very good. Now where did my bitch Phil Griffin go? I need him to go fetch my robe and slippers.

Add the Washington Post to my list

Yeah, that's right. I'm number one baby. Me. And only me. And you know what else? The Washington Post is number one at the top of my list this morning. Their little bitch Howard Kurtz doesn't like me to begin with.
Anyone who thought the Democratic convention would be a dull and choreographed affair clearly didn't count on the bitter, ego-fueled clashes that marked the week. And that was just at MSNBC.
Ha ha. Isn't he funny? Look, I denied this. So if I denied it, even if there is videotape to prove otherwise, it never happened. Got it?
But a number of NBC correspondents are upset over the recent antics at their sister channel, prompting longtime anchor Tom Brokaw to say last week that Olbermann and Matthews have at times "gone too far."
Brokaw went too far when his criticism of the greatness that is me fell out of his mouth. I've made him grovel to me so I feel better now and while he is not forgiven, Kurtz is out of line for even bringing this up.
Olbermann dismisses the "overblown stories" as "nonsense," telling The Washington Post that Pat Buchanan appears regularly on MSNBC and that Scarborough "has never been censored, reined in, called on any carpet for his views, just as I haven't." Just because he disagrees with Murphy or Buchanan, Olbermann says, "doesn't mean the network is inhospitable to their points of view."
See? If I deny it, it hasn't happened and isn't true unless I say it is.
One network staffer, who declined to be named describing private conversations, says MSNBC President Phil Griffin told him that "our audience hates Bush" and that squeezing conservative shows into a liberal lineup would just drive them away.
Okay back to my commandments again. If they refuse to go on record as to who they are then nothing they have to say is true, got it? And doesn't everyone hate Bush? I mean all the people that count that is.
While Lou Dobbs serves up incendiary opinions at CNN, none of its prime-time hosts -- Campbell Brown, Larry King and Anderson Cooper -- is known for ideological views.
I'll tell you what CNN's prime is known for: boredom and bad ratings.
Phil Griffin has tried to smooth things over. He apologized to analyst Mike Murphy after the Olbermann incident, and Brokaw made a point of appearing with Murphy on Scarborough's show the next morning.
Note who did NOT apologize to Murphy. And you know why? Because I was right. I'm always right.
Griffin did not respond to requests for comment last week,
You know why Phil didn't respond for a comment to the WashPo? Because he was out running my errands that's why. Really what's more important? Me or the Washington Post? Right. It's me. It's always me. And Phil gets that. He knows he's my bitch. Speaking of bitches, more blathering from Kurtz:
MSNBC finished last for the week, but it is attracting more viewers than in the past, along with some unwanted attention.
I resent his characterization of our ratings as being in last place. Sure it's true but the important thing is that more people are watching us even if more people are watching other networks.
"Until recently, MSNBC didn't count," Olbermann says. "We didn't move the needle. We do now, and then some. And this scares people, especially people who work for Rupert Murdoch."
Yeah baby, that's the way I like it. Rupert and Bill and all those pinheads at Fox get up every morning thinking of ways they can get to me, Keith Olbermann's Ego. Creating all these false gossip stories about on-air squabbling at MSNBC. It never happened. Got it? If I say so, it never happened. If I say we have the best ratings of all the cable networks then it's true too. You know why? Because I said so. And what I say matters. Got it? Good, now don't forget it.