Thursday, November 6, 2008

I told you Page Six was going to write about me

So Page Six decided to hold off til after the election to write about the genius that is Keith Olbermann's Mighty and Massive Ego. And of course it's the usual collection of lies about me (and remember, Rule Number One? If I say it's a lie, it's a lie--I don't care if there's video evidence of it, it's still a lie if I say it is, got it?). Let's see, demanded to get a first-class train ticket to DC (I'm the star of MSNBC dammit-like I was going to ride 2nd class on Amtrak)? And something about tomato packets at Lincoln Center.
Olbermann's diva behavior off-camera—insiders say the anchor demands more security than an Olsen twin—might provide his colleagues with eye-rolling fodder. But on-air, those erratic personality traits have made his five-year-old show, Countdown With Keith Olbermann, a hit.
Hey--the Olsen twins-how old are they anyway? Katy's aging out pretty rapidly on me. Where was I? Oh yeah--hit. See, even the NY Post has had to acknowledge that Keith Olbermann is a hit! And if Murdoch's Post says it, you know it's true (yeah, I know, I normally tell you to avoid them like the plague and that they lie constantly but this one time, they're right--I'm a hit). And they were really right twice in this article.
Countdown is credited with transforming MSNBC from a third-stringer into the fastest-growing cable network in 2008.
Read that line again. I like that line. Alot. Done? Good, now we can move on to the rest of the pack of lies this rag printed about me. Why don't I sue them you ask? What? And give them free publicity? Never (and then there's the ever-so-slight, and I mean it's minuscule, possibility they're sometimes right about me, not that I'd ever admit it). There's the usual crap about my feuds with Matthews & Scarborough. Let me explain this to you. I was merely directing them. They were going over their allotted time and cutting into mine. And then there's this bullshit about Tom Brokaw.
"It's gotten to the point where on primary night Brokaw wouldn't sit at the same desk with Matthews and Olbermann," says one insider. "They'd be working no more than 10 feet apart, but he wouldn't be shot at the same desk."
Who wants to sit beside Brokaw anyway? He's an old man. He has that old man smell. And it's not just me that thinks Brokaw should go ahead and retire:
Williams is allegedly angry that Brokaw, known among insiders as the "Dean of the Network," didn't step aside after his retirement from NBC Nightly News in 2004, but instead has taken on a bigger role during the election, serving as a special correspondent. . .as a result of Brokaw's involvement, Williams has been less visible during the network's election coverage
See? Even Brian Williams can't get along with the old bastard. I'm hoping President-Elect Obama will pass a law or something for Brokaw's mandatory retirement.
But for the most part, this man with many enemies keeps his inner circle very small. Olbermann isn't known as the type of boss who treats his staffers to after-work cocktails or makes a point of remembering their birthdays. Olbermann reportedly communicates with his MSNBC staff through a mailbox, and ordered a new, solid door for his office because he was uncomfortable having a window in the door into which people could see. But loyalists note that he's not a total Grinch. "He insisted on a big raise for his producer when she was fielding an offer from CNN," says an insider.
See? I am loyal! Who says I'm not loyal?
Should Maddow's ratings not hold up after the election, Olbermann's associates agree that he will be the first one to sell her down the river if necessary to save himself. "I'm sure there's some jealousy there," says one insider. "He'll take credit for her success, but should she fail miserably he'll be the first to say, 'It was a nice experiment, but let's try something else.'"
Okay fans what is my second rule regarding anything negative printed about me? That's right. It's lies unless the person is willing to go on the record with their name, address, and social security number (makes it easier for my bodyguards to track 'em down). But the Post did contain some good news in this little hatchet-job on me and MSNBC.
Chris Matthews is done," says an insider. "There are two erratic individuals—and he's not the one getting the numbers."
I know that the Post meant that as a slam at my mental stability but fuck 'em: they printed this tasty quote:
"Nightly News is in first place [and] MSNBC jumped from the 21st most-watched network [on] cable and prime time to the 10th most-watched in one month," (Olbermann)said on his show last month, in reaction to news that Page Six Magazine was working on this story.
See there--ratings--again, I rule.


LK said...

Who sez KO isn't a humanitarian? He got Katy a job after all, I mean other than living with him.

EB said...

There's another glowing article on Rachel in New York magazine. I'm really shocked he hasn't demanded equal print time.

marinara said...

Oh yeah. You had better speak to Rachel about what she says during interviews when asked about you. She was on The Colbert Report, and Stephen asked her if you were crazy, and Rachel didn't deny it!

She did say you were the king of cable, though, just like you told her.