STATEMENT OF SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS
August 8, 2008
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
In 2006, I made a serious error in judgment and conducted myself in a way that was disloyal to my family and to my core beliefs.Translation: "I got caught. And i'm trying to spin this so it looks like I give a damn about my family. And that whole serious error in judgment? You bet your ass it was a serious error in judgement. The chick talked too much and didn't use birth control."
I recognized my mistake and I told my wife that I had a liaison with another woman, and I asked for her forgiveness.Translation: "She found out and I had to fess up." But my ego has to give John props here for his use of the word "liaison". That's French. Classy. So much classier than saying "affair".
Although I was honest in every painful detail with my family, I did not tell the public.Translation? "Tell the pubic? Are you out of your f'ing mind? I'm not stupid. And painful? Yes it was very painful to me that I got caught."
When a supermarket tabloid told a version of the story, I used the fact that the story contained many falsities to deny it. But being 99% honest is no longer enough.Translation: Right out of the Keith Olbermann Ego Playbook (that'll be my next book by the way). First take a jab at the tabloid press-works like a charm for me every time that damn Murdoch prints something about me in the Post that I don't like. And recasting himself as being the new poster-child of honesty? Brilliant.
I was and am ashamed of my conduct and choices, and I had hoped that it would never become public.Translation? "You can bet your ass I hopeed it would never become public." "My choices? Oh yeah I regret my choices. I realize now I could have done better because this chick is old. And not nearly as pretty as I am. But she recognized how attractive I am and that's all that really matters.
With my family, I took responsibility for my actions in 2006 and today I take full responsibility publicly.Translation: I got caught. The National Enquirer has a gun to my head and now I have to take full responsibility because it's what America expects me to do. If there was a Betty Ford for screwing around, I could go there and all would be well becaue that's what you do when you get caught in America: apologize and go to rehab and everybody forgives you
But that misconduct took place for a short period in 2006. It ended then. I am and have been willing to take any test necessary to establish the fact that I am not the father of any baby, and I am truly hopeful that a test will be done so this fact can be definitively established. I only know that the apparent father has said publicly that he is the father of the baby. I also have not been engaged in any activity of any description that requested, agreed to or supported payments of any kind to the woman or to the apparent father of the baby.Translation: Yeah the kid's probably mine. But if I come forward and offer to take the test and she refuses then it looks like I'm telling the truth and she's lying. And by having someone else funnel money to her and the fall-guy self-proclaimed baby daddy I again look like a paragon of virtue. And by being non-specific about what kind of activity "ended" in 2006? Again, genius.
It is inadequate to say to the people who believed in me that I am sorry, as it is inadequate to say to the people who love me that I am sorry. In the course of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic.Translation? You got me. Because John completely fumbled the ball here. He failed to embrance being narcissistic and self-centered and you know that I, Keith Olbermann's Ego, feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with self-love.
If you want to beat me up – feel free. You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself. I have been stripped bare and will now work with everything I have to help my family and others who need my help.Translation: "Oh I was stripped bare alright. So was she. And damn it was fun. Until I got caught. And it's actually Lizzie that's been doing the beating me thing. And work? Damn straight I have to work to make those back alley support payments."
I have given a complete interview on this matter and having done so, will have nothing more to say.Translation? "Because I'm arrogant enough to think that this is all I have to say."
See how easy it is? As the great J.R. Ewing once observed, "Once you can fake sincerity, everything else is a piece of cake."